leading is not mean, at least it should not be

It is hard to explain what I have found but, basically, it is all about doing what your dogs need. This is not the easy way out. It is not a quick fix or diet pill to get you success, bonding and finding your leadership voice. To succeed you have to trust and believe in both yourself and your dog. I had heard of methods where trainers are to try to channel into their leader idols like oprah or whom ever they thought would help. This isn't realistic and long term is set up for failure. I get the idea that they use it as a tool to find their way short term and save a dangerous dog from a early end but, come on. This won't help the gentle person or timid person find how they can lead. It puts insult to their personality saying only people who are like oprah can lead. This isn't true. Not only that but, when you undermind the personality of someone saying they aren't good enough then it robs them of their own tools and makes them second guess.I believe if you don't use what you have then you won't be honest in earning your dogs trust. Some people will feel they have to be louder and stern and use aggression of their own to "control" their dogs. People think a small woman can't lead her rottweiller because he is too dominant or whatever. They think that if you talk sweetly to your dogs they will push you around.
Well... this is not so much true.
Dogs are very keen on reading you like an open book. If you are caring and gentle and know what makes your dog get motivated you can use it to your advantage. Follow the rules nothing is free. Which simply means whatever your dog loves most:play, treats, meal time, running in the yard, these must be earned by performing acts of respect such as waiting at the door until they are released, sitting and watching before the food is placed, working some commands inbetween fetching the ball etc. Whenever your dog is driving you crazy... My dog was just running amock in my room, digging the carpet, tapping my guitar strings with his nose, batting the cord to the blinds. When that craziness seeps into your world remember your patience. He probably is just bored and look for something which will appease him. I let it go a few minutes then he lay down on the rug and pawed at the under the bed looking for a bone that had gone out of reach. I told him to go to his bed(which he did) then I reached and retreived the bone scoring points of my own. (If you can ever know what your dog is saying in his communications, treat that with great respect and deliver on the request, it builds a tighter bond) If you respect your dogs requests then it will be returned to you as well. I am not saying spoil your dog. You don't have to be a vigilanty, you can loosen up and play sometimes.
I encourage my softer side. My dog is shy and it takes him a little bit to trust himself. I try to encourage him when he is doing well and if he is using poor judgement or is getting upset about something not so scary I try to diffuse the situation by distracting. He gets terribly worked up for some reason when the neighbor dog plays in the park behind our houses. I have found I can work him with treats in the kitchen and it distracts him enough but if we were outside he would be beyond his own control. We work in the kitchen every chance we get trying to allow him to see that I trust him and he can trust that we will have good things during that frustrating time. I believe that my compassion reaches him far better than any fear based training. I push him into his uncomfortable zones with encouragement and it helps. I also check him for burrs and debris after our walks which shows I look out for him. I don't coddle him, watching him like he is some superstar, I live my life and lead with strong, caring ways that are right for me.
That said I don't take any crap. I am very tough that way. I don't take it from anyone really. I accept my responsibilities and I call out those who do me wrong. You need to remember this, for an honest strong leadership relationship with your dog, you needn't go over the top, practice your look, incorporate the showing of teeth, low eyebrows, tense stance, and low growl if needed. If my dog doesn't follow my lead, I understand that my commands are requests and I must show them to be followed through my belief in their value. It sounds odd but, if you say something expecting it to be done it will be done far more than if you say something expecting to say it again. Try is, without yelling, just really mean it and expect it to be done. Give praise for the respect that was given to you. If I am having some trouble getting my dog to follow direction be it from distractions, my delivery, or having a bad day I give him my serious look and a little growl if I deem it mandated (like if he runs out of my closet with my sneaker and looks at me to play) then I do a few commands and then ask him to play. once he give respect he gets rewards. It is hard to be strict sometimes but, by being strict and gentle in nature your dog sees a straightforward leader who they don't have to fear because of harsh treatments or inconsistencies. They don't need to show up in your relationship with your dog. You do.
Find and work to include your strengths, such as patience, agility, calmness, sensitivity, ability to read signals, and let those shine true and earn respect from your dog and yourself.